Once, I noticed the sun wasn't perfectly round as I had always assumed. I stared at it a little too long and noticed that it wavered around the edges, not unlike how the stars seem to blink at night if you focus on any one of them in particular. I was captivated. I forced myself to look again but it hurt. I quickly understood that what I was doing wasn't just something that my mother had warned me never to do for my own well being. I'd done countless other things she would never approve of anyway. But this was so much different. This, I knew deep in my soul, was wrong.
I had done evil and I dealt with my conscience every time I had; that sick and twisted feeling, I knew oh-so-well from a life a misery and disdain. But this was far worse than any self-ridiculing my conscience had put me through. This hurt. Nature was telling me I shouldn't be doing this. I could feel the burn linger in my eyes as purple and green splotches hammered themselves into what seemed my very soul. I collected my thoughts while I waited for them to disappear.
Finally I resolved to outlast nature. I prepared myself for the dive into whatever world would result from what I was about to do…what I was compelled to do. I lifted my face towards the sky, my eyes closed, and felt the warmth of the sun radiate through my flesh.
I steeled myself, took a breath and opened my eyes. There it was, in all of its infinite glory, the life source of the Earth, the harbinger of my demise, the cradle of my new life. I could not help from blinking –this I did rapidly as I attempted to fight nature. After a few seconds, I had succeeded in shattering my survival instincts and I was left in control of my body. I knew it was then that whatever it was that gives life meaning had left me. I had broken the rules and I had been chastised by isolation. I was now alone. I forced my eyes open wider as they gradually adjusted to the fiery white light that seemed to penetrate my body and soul. It was magnificent…
And then suddenly it was as dark as night and I knew the sun was dead. I stood, immobilized staring at the sun. Its frail and shattered form hung there, dark and muted, high in the afternoon sky. Its imperfections were now clearly visible to my well-trained eyes. It was sickening but I couldn’t turn away. I was frozen by fear of what would be brought about. For eight minutes I stood fixated with my neck pulled back and my eyes agape staring at the broken star above me. I felt the Earth die. It was a wicked and hideous feeling that washed over me so fast that I could not at first comprehend what had happened.
My heart grew cold –cold like the sun.
And my spirit grew dark –dark like the day.
